Divorce is not the answer.

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_Contents

1. _{God has a solution to every faulty marriage, and it’s not divorce.} 
2. _{Your marriage is workable, dont give up.}
3. _{Steps to take to save your marriage.}
4. _{Creating a conducive home with the help of the Holy Spirit.} 
5. _{What to do if married to an abusive spouse.}

1. _{God has a solution to every faulty marriage, and it’s not divorce.} 

_{Why did God institute marriage? God instituted marriage in order to raise godly seeds for Himself. Companionship is also one of the vital reasons God instituted marriage, so that man will not be alone. Loneliness is never a fun place to be, you will agree with me. So God who is all knowing purposed marriage to fill up these gaps in our lives.} 

_{God instituted marriage to bring joy into our lives, not sorrow. It is a perfect gift from God.}

_{If there is any problem in your marriage,  God is not responsible, for His thoughts towards you are thoughts of good not of evil. And if God is not responsible for the challenges you are facing in your marriage, then this is good news. Why is it good news? I call it good news because if God were responsible for the problems in your marriage, then who will you turn to for solutions? If God is truly your father, then you are already halfway in succeeding in that marriage. I said half way because, it is one thing to have God as your father and it’s entirely a different thing to recognise Him as such. It’s like having a problem with your car and the tool box is in the trunk of the car but you have no idea what each tool is meant for or how it’s operated. So yes, you have the solution to the problem of that car, right in front of you but yet the problem still can’t be fixed. The same is applicable to those who call God their father but do not recognise Him as such.} 

    _{So the question in your mind now is, how do you recognise God as your father? Brilliant question! You recognise God has your father by allowing Him play that role in your life. What are the roles of a father? It is the Father’s job to ensure your safety, provide your needs, discipline you, comfort you and make you feel loved, etc. So now that we have mentioned a few roles of the father, how many of these roles is God actually playing in your life? Do you carry all the burden on your shoulders forgetting that it isn’t your job? The burden belongs to God.} 

_{A lot of people do not recognise God as their father because they don’t trust Him enough to handle their problems. They believe He is up there and can’t get involved with matters down here. That’s not true. God created the heavens and the earth and everything in it. Nothing happens here on earth without God’s knowledge. Even before you started having problems in your marriage, He saw it coming but couldn’t forewarn you because you dont have a relationship with Him and hence cannot recognise His voice when He speaks.} 

_{It is essential that every Christian hears from God and also knows the means through which God speaks to them, (I have written an ebook on that titled “HOW TO HEAR GOD FOR YOURSELF”). Possessing this ability helps us steer clear of problems or shows us the solution to problems. Many will not be facing the unpleasant situation in their marriages today, if they had heard God’s warning against marrying the spouse they chose.} 

_{That is why it’s advisable to always allow God choose your marriage partner, and not we ourselves. You cannot see into the furture, neither do you know the real intent of the person you are marrying. Only God sees the heart of man. Unfortunately, some people get married just to achieve their selfish ambitions, therefore satisfying the other partner or making him or her happy is not their priority. Such marriage will definitely have issues. When God is the one choosing your partner, He knows who will complement you and help you fulfil your divine purpose here on earth.} 

_{So what happens if you have already made the wrong decision in marriage? The bible says with God all things are possible. Secondly, Romans 8:28 says “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them”. So, it’s possible for God to fix that faulty marriage and also use that ugly situation to bring good into your life.  That bible verse says this is achievable for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. So are you in agreement with God  concerning your life here on earth? Are you here to please God or yourself? Do you live each day of your life with heaven in mind? And of course the most important question, do you love God? These are  questions that require candid answers and sober reflection. If you are not living a purpose driven life according to God’s plans for you, then make a conscious effort to start doing so now.} 

_{Making a wrong decision in marriage isn’t the end of the world. God can still fix it. Going for a divorce is not God’s way, because He is a covenant keeper. You entered into a covenant with your spouse in the presence of God and you vowed till death do you part. That is a covenant, and God is involved. God is willing to fix that marriage if you will trust Him. He will make that  marriage bloom and become a success.}

2. _{Your marriage is workable, dont give up.}

_{Sometimes God permits certain unpleasant things to happen in our lives, to help mold us into who He wants us to be. It is not God’s will that you should have a turbulent marriage but if you happen to find yourself in one, believe that what was meant to break you will eventually be used by God to strengthen you.} 

_{God may choose to use that problem in your life to draw you closer to Him. Some Christians dont seek God until there is an issue that requires divine intervention, then will they remember to call on God. This is not how God wants to relate with us. We must always be available for Him. We shouldn’t see Him only as our problem fixer, it’s quite unfair to treat God that way. When God tries to reach out to you but you seem too busy for Him, then a time will come when you will be the one chasing Him to come to fix your life.}

_{Why must we wait until there is a problem in our lives before we seek God? Isn’t that a self centred relationship? If your spouse were to treat you in this same manner, would you feel loved and appreciated? Why not love God with all your being and watch Him work things out for you? Make God your priority, create time for Him, seek His presence and dwell there, learn to communicate with Him, foster the habit of involving Him in all your decision making and learn how to cast your burden on Him.} 

_{I strongly believe that any faulty marriage can be fixed, if you allow God to be at the centre of it. The bible tells us that God hates divorce, therefore whenever there is a challenge, don’t contemplate divorce, rather call unto God to intervene. We can not place enough emphasis on the importance of prayer in a believer’s life. Prayer is the way to communicate with God and invite Him into issues of our lives. When you commit everything into God’s hands, by praying, God will always come through and He is never too late. While you wait on God to work out your marriage, stay calm and keep loving your spouse. Don’t stop being nice and caring because you feel your spouse doesn’t deserve it, no, the bible says love your enemies. Do not pay back evil for evil, no good can ever come out of that.} 

_{If you are married to an abusive partner, it’s advisable to separate for a while and keep interceding for him or her from a safe place. God may choose to use your prayers and bring Him or her to Christ. Some are married to men and women who claim to be born  again Christians, yet the fruits of the spirit are not evident in them. They still beat their spouses, inflict emotional and psychological trauma on them, yell and threaten them at the slightest provocation. Such, are not true Christians, please stay far away from them until God has perfected His work in their lives. Being separated from them, pending when God will work things out, doesn’t mean you are divorced. You are still married and must remain faithful to your spouse. This is not the time to cheat on your spouse but rather a time to pray and seek the face of God concerning your home. It is possible for an abusive partner to genuinely repent and become a new person in Christ Jesus. You can not bring that divine change upon your spouse, only God can. Many people believe they can make their spouses a better person by constantly correcting them or pointing out their errors to them, unfortunately this will not help. It will only earn you the tag of a nag. If you purchase a Toyota car and it develops a fault, the best thing to do is take it to a Toyota workshop and get it fixed. If you try to fix that car on your own, you may likely leave it in a worse condition than it was before. Your spouse is the car and God is the workshop, let Him do the fixing. Your job is to report the problem to Him. He created your spouse, therefore He knows every component in him or her.}

3. _{Steps to take to save your marriage.}

_{Our society can be a better place if we take necessary steps to ensure that marriages and homes are built on the right foundations and principles. The society is formed as a result of a man and woman coming together in marriage and this births a family.} 

_{A faulty marriage will birth a faulty family. Children who grow up in turbulent homes are most likely to become a concern to the society. So it’s of paramount importance that we dedicate time and energy to ensure that our marriages are kept intact, safe from vices and destructive influences.} 

_{In this chapter, we will talk about those steps which we can apply to keep our marriages and homes safe.}

1. _{Prayer: no matter how we try to shy away from this, prayer still remains the number one key to a successful marriage. Keeping your marriage safe requires seriousness in your prayer life. Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today and forever. He is our role model. He lived a successful life here on earth and we all know Him as a prayerful person. The Son of God prayed while here on earth, and He prayed real hard. It is no small feat to pray till your sweat drops like blood to the ground, but this is what happened to Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion.} 

_{Jesus has not called us to pray till our sweat turns into blood, He only asked us to pray without ceasing. Why do we need to pray without ceasing? It’s because the world is full of evil and any true Christian is in constant battle with the enemy, the devil, whether you are aware of it or not. The bible records that the devil is out there to steal, kill and destroy. Marriage is a key component in the society, if we get it wrong there, then the world at large is in trouble. So it’s not  a surprise that most marriages are facing attacks from the pit of hell, this is to ensure godly seeds are not raised who will eventually take over the society for Christ.}

_{So when you face problems in your marriage, your first port of call is your Heavenly Father and you can’t reach Him except through prayers. God is your father, He is not there to condemn you, even if you are the originator of the problem in your marriage.  Rather He is there to help you and give you joy in abundance. Pour out everything to Him and sit still, do not fret. God created the whole world and everything in it, your spouse inclusive. There is nothing God can not do and there is no situation beyond repairs when God is involved.} 

2. _{Seek godly counsel: God has made available people whom He has gifted the ability to discern and counsel marital issues biblically. You can find them in the church or the secular circle. Don’t just walk through any door in search of counselling. Some are out there to feed you worldly views and solutions to marital problems. That is why you need to pray before you step out to seek counselling.} 

_{It is advisable that both parties attend the counselling sessions, as this will enable them to air their differences, thus granting more illumination into the situation to further help the Counsellor take necessary steps in resolving the problem.} 

_{In some cases, the healing process may even begin on the first day of the counselling sessions, because there is a tendency for each party to air their grievances to the Counsellor more than they would to their spouses. Some spouses have locked up their emotions and have become embittered towards each other due to inability to communicate their hurts to their partners. Some have tried proffering solutions in the past, only to be ignored or shut out. So the counselling session now provides the long awaited opportunity to voice out their pains. It is important for each couple to listen with an unbiased mind to what their partner is saying because they may actually begin to see where they went wrong in the first place. Going there with the mindset of getting a solution to their present problem is key to benefiting from the counselling, rather than attending the sessions just to prove who is right or wrong. That is why you must carry God along in this too. That you are seeking godly counselling doesn’t mean God should take the back seat. Get Him involved right from the beginning. Ask Him to speak to your spouse and prepare him or her,  before you go ahead to invite them for counselling. Also ask God to prepare your mind and that of your spouse and make it a fertile ground where the godly counsel may grow and bear fruits in your lives.} 

_{C. Forgive your spouse: there is no sin in the bible where God has asked not to forgive. Even Jesus forgave the adulterous woman who was caught in the act. Forgiving your spouse is beneficial to you too, beecause it helps you heal faster.} 

_{Dont wait for your spouse to come and apologise before you forgive, because we do not know when God will finish His work on him or her. Simply make up your mind to let go and forgive. See it as a divine instruction from God.  Jesus said we should forgive those who offend us}

 _{70 x 7 times, to me this simply means no matter how many times someone offends you, keep forgiving. There is no limitation to forgiveness. “But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:15 NLT).}

_{The above Bible verse is very clear on God’s stand with regards to forgiveness. Every true believer must understand that there is no room for grudges in our hearts.  Unforgiveness disconnects us from God. It hinders the free flow of God’s Spirit in our lives. Making heaven is sticking to God’s commands, and forgiveness is one of them. As Christians, heaven is our final destination, but we can only be granted access if we learn to forgive one another and adhere to God’s instructions. Don’t wait till the pain is gone before you forgive. Make up your mind to forgive and ask God to give you the grace to do so, then trust God to take care of  the rest.}

_{d. Keep doing good: we are told in the bible to love our enemies, but in this case your spouse isn’t the enemy, rather the devil is. Keep loving your spouse no matter what. Don’t let hate and bitterness entangle you, set your mind free and focus on the word of God. We can not trust our emotions at times like this because it’s bent on satisfying the flesh. We are not called to satisfy our flesh but to obey God and choose His ways at all times, even when we are not comfortable with it. The flesh is constantly at war with the spirit, that’s why we sometimes find it difficult to yield to God’s ways and we know God’s way is always the best.} 

_{Keep doing good to your spouse, even if there is no show of gratitude from him or her. Your Heavenly Father who sees what you do in the secret, will reward you openly. Don’t pay back evil with evil, nothing good will come out of it. Pay back evil with good and leave the rest to God.} 

_{When you are tempted to give up on your good deeds, remember Jesus. He died for us even while we were still sinners. Our sins couldn’t stop Him from doing the good His Father asked him to. Anywhere Jesus went, He kept doing good, nothing in our sinful nature could hinder Jesus from doing what is right. The same should be applicable to all Christians. Keep doing good, no matter the situation you find yourself in.} 

 _{e. Dwell in God’s presence daily: dwelling in God’s presence doesn’t mean staying in church. We all know God dwells within us in the person of the Holy Spirit, working out God’s eternal purpose in our lives.  Daily dwelling in God’s presence implies consciously conceding your right to live the way it pleases you. You wake each day fully aware that you are stepping out to do God’s purpose and not yours. Sitting down daily at His feet to find out what he desires for you to do is practicing how to dwell in God’s presence. Every Christian whether married or not needs to come to this understanding and implement it in their lives. This is the only way we can live a purpose driven life.} 

_{Many couples are experiencing marital problems because, even before marriage they had no idea what it meant to daily dwell in God’s presence. They lived life as it pleased them and accepted whatever or whoever came their way. No conscious effort was made to know God’s will concerning their life partners. Some already had the type or spec of whom they will end up with in marriage, so anything short of that loses its appeal to them. In their decision making, they forgot what Isaiah 55:8 says “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.} 

_{Now, how will dwelling in God’s presence help you save your marriage? God can do alot in your life, not only in your marriage when you learn how to dwell in His presence. As earlier said, it is a conscious effort on your part to daily practice this by granting God access into every area of your life and allowing Him to take charge and be the decision maker.} 

_{Create out time to spend with God, make it a specific time and try to keep to it. Tell God the time you have chosen and make it a covenant with Him that you will always be there at that particular time. Call it a covenant time. During your covenant time, take a journal with you to write down what God lays in your heart. Also go along with your bible  and a Christian spirit uplifting book, spend a minimum of 30 minutes there with God, you may decide to make it longer. Don’t be in a hurry to leave His presence, allow His glory and presence come upon you. You may not see what is transpiring as you sit there in fellowship with God, but if it pleases the Lord He may choose to reveal this to you at His own time. Keep doing this daily and take note of your dreams too. I love doing mine in the night so I can sleep after and expect the Lord to speak. God is still speaking to us through various ways, and one of it is dreams.} 

_{It’s essential to learn how to hear from God, because He desires to comfort you, lead you and direct you.} 

_{Some solutions to life problems may be revealed to you through dreams, so please ask God to grant you divine revelations. He says Jeremiah 33.3 “Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.”}

_{Aside from keeping your covenant time with God, live each day intentionally. Decide to please God in your ways by letting Him lead you. Ask Him questions before you embark on anything. Make Him know that His opinion counts and He is important in your life. Learn to talk to God as the day goes by, because He is right there with you though you can’t see Him with your physical eyes. When you engage God in this manner, you are daily dwelling in His presence. You are living each day for Him and not for yourself, making Him the Head over your life, marriage, career, etc.} 

_{When you dwell in His presence, His nature rubs off on you and you see yourself effortlessly desiring to live a holy life, wanting more of Him and craving for your covenant time to approach so you could crawl back into His arms and be comforted. This is called intimacy with God. You are gradually being infused into Him.}

_{When you become one with God, you no longer desire your will. You now live daily for Him. You emulate Jesus easily and this is when you can effortlessly resolve conflict in your home because it’s no longer important to you who is right, or who is wrong. You are more concerned in bringing Jesus into your marriage to reign. You now live a selfless life, putting others before you. Forgiving your spouse anytime he or she errs is no longer an ordeal because you’ve tasted the Father’s love and come to the realisation that love is the ultimate healing balm. When you love your enemies as the bible instructs us to, you no longer harbour hatred towards them but compassion and love. You are now more concerned about their spiritual welfare and upliftment. You care more for them now and pray often for them. You no longer see them as your enemies but the devil who is working evil through them.} 

_{If you apply this principle of loving your enemies in your dealings with your spouse, you will find it easy to live a peaceful life with them. You will always remember that Jesus loved us even while we were still sinners and He has called us to do same.} 

_{4. Creating a conducive home with the help  of the Holy Spirit.} 

_{For your marriage to thrive, you need a conducive home. A place filled with God’s presence and love. Our homes should be that place of succour where our spouses look forward to returning to after the day’s hassle.} 

_{Naturally we all desire a peaceful and loving home, but hard as we try, we still notice a bit of disharmony. Sometimes, after exacting energy and time to create a warm ambience at home, all you receive is ingratitude. Your spouse seems not to notice all you’ve done or intentionally decides to ignore it. At times, he or she may still find something to criticise despite the commendable job done. All these are targeted at provoking or discouraging you. In the previous chapter we discussed how doing good to your spouse can help you save your marriage. So, if you have decided to apply that step, then be ready to ignore any form of ingratitude from your spouse. Don’t do anything expecting a “thank you” or “well done”, do it because Jesus did it too and he has commanded us to imitate His ways. While Jesus hung on the cross bleeding for sins which He never committed, He was offered vinegar to drink and made mockery of. He was not appreciated for that huge sacrifice done to save humanity.} 

_{We have been called to obey God and choose His ways at all times, though the road be rough and bumpy, we are to hold fast to what we profess as Christians. We are called Christians because we emulate Christ. How many of us are truly living that Christ-like life in our homes? Can we go the extra mile for our spouses? Can we be spat upon without retaliating? Can we bear shame and humiliation that the name of Jesus be glorified? When your spouse speaks unkind and belittling words to you, how do you react? Indeed it is a hard thing to follow Jesus, but His grace is sufficient for those who are willing.} 

_{To create a conducive home, you must die to self. It’s no longer about you, but Christ. Be ready to forgive even when no apology has been tendered. Focus more on pleasing God with your conduct and let God handle the rest for you. Proverbs 16:7 says “When a man’s ways please the LORD, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him”. No, your spouse is not your enemy but the devil, so if God can make your enemies to be at peace with you, how much more your spouse? God can fix that too. So your primary responsibility is to please God, and do His will.} 

_{We all need the help of the Holy Spirit to succeed in our marriages. He is called our helper because “He will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you” (John 14: 26).} 

_{The Holy Spirit is also known as the Advocate, to help you make good decisions. He dwells in you and empowers you to do what ordinarily you wouldn’t be able to.} 

_{To further understand how to run your home peacefully, you will need divine wisdom and inspiration and the Holy Spirit is here to help you out in that area too as it’s written in  1 Corinthians 2:10-11 “These are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except for their own spirit within them? In the same way, no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God”. Do you want to know God’s thoughts towards you, your spouse or your marriage? Then, daily pray for a fresh infilling of the Holy Spirit in your life. He will illuminate your path and grant you divine wisdom and understanding.} 

_{5. Domestic violence in   marriage; what to do.}

_{It’s sad and unfortunate that some have ended up in marriages where they are abused and maltreated by their spouses. In most cases women are the victims and some have even lost their lives.} 

_{In this chapter, I am going to write from the perspective of a woman because women are most vulnerable in this issue.}

_{It is true that God hates divorce but neither is He in support of abusive marriage. I believe here is when separation is allowed for safety sake. Separation is not divorce, neither is it a time of freedom to practice immorality. It is a time for sober reflection and prayer for divine intervention in your marriage. It is also a time to work on yourself in order to be a better version of you, because we all are a work in progress, we have not yet attained that height of perfection in Christ. The tendency to fall into sin is in us, therefore pray intensely for both you and your spouse, that this time of separation will not be used by the devil to wreck more havoc in your home.} 

_{Spend quality time daily in God’s presence, allow Him purge you, cleanse you and restore you. The pains, tears and emotional trauma can all be healed at the feet of our Lord Jesus Christ. You are not alone in this, He is with you all the way. Certain questions may come to your mind now, like why did God allow all these in the first place? Is He not the Almighty? Why couldn’t He stop it before it got this bad. These are all valid questions which I will use the parable of the wheat and tares to answer. I am not in the position to give you a perfect answer, for that is the work of the Holy Spirit. He teaches us all truth. I will only try to shade some light on why these unpleasant things happen.}

_{The parable of the wheat and tares  found in  Matthew 13:24-30, makes us understand that while men slept the enemy sowed tares in their lifes, in this case I may say marriage. The problem in your marriage isn’t caused by God. The devil is responsible. He sowed tares in your marriage for that is his job;  to steal, kill and destroy and for this reason the bible asks us to watch and pray. Most people don’t pray for their spouses until things go wrong. We are expected to pray without ceasing. Create out time for prayer and be intentional about it. Devote adequate time to prayer as you do with other activities. It should rank as one of your most important jobs on your daily task list.} 

_{In the parable, we notice that the tares were allowed to grow alongside with the wheat until harvest time when they shall be separated. The tares in our lives aren’t meant to destroy us but to work out perfection in us. Some challenges we encounter in marriages are permitted by God in order that we might bear the fruits of the spirit, which are:, love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control –Galatians 5:22-23. So what has bearing the fruits of the spirit got to do with being separated from your spouse? We shall be taking a  look at each of these fruits to see what they signify in the life of a Christian.} 

1. _{Love: John 15:9-11 (NIV) says “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.”  This bible verse admonishes us to remain in God’s love, and if you do, then your joy will be complete. No matter what your spouse has done to you, forgive and let go, only then will you be truly happy. You cannot bear a grudge against someone and be truly happy. The thought of that person constantly brings pain to your heart and this will definitely delay your healing and restoration. This is why God’s love must always abound in our hearts, to keep it pure and free from hatred and bitterness. Jesus kept His father’s command and remained in His love, will you also keep the Father’s command?} 

2.  _{Joy:  James 1:2-3 (NIV)}

_{“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance”. We are made to understand in this bible portion that a believer’s life is not void of trials, infact, it even says “trials of many kinds”. God permits trials in our lives to work out perseverance. The life of a Christian is not a jolly ride, there are bumps and hudles here and there which we need to be prepared for. The perseverance God is working out in our lives is to ensure that we are prepared for what lies ahead of us as we journey through life on earth. We need to be equipped with the right attributes lest we fall by the wayside. Being separated from your spouse shouldn’t sadden you but rather see it as a thing of joy, because in the midst of this mess, something new and glorious will be birthed.} 

3. _{Peace:  John 16:33 (NIV)}

 _{“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” A time of separation is not the time to lose your cool and become desperate. Jesus Christ has already overcome the world and every problem that lies therein. The problem in your marriage didn’t come as a surprise to God, He is all knowing.  God will save your marriage, keep still and don’t fret. While you wait on God to resolve any issues between you and your spouse, stay in the place of prayer and let the peace that surpasses human understanding guard your heart and mind.} 

4. _{Patience: Ephesians 4:2 (NIV)}

_{“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love”. We are called to be patient and bear with one another. Some spouses cannot tolerate the shortcomings of their partner, they nag and nag and make home a miserable place for themselves. We should learn to overlook certain things in our marriages as long as they are not life threatening. When you find a fault in your spouse, your job is to pray for God to give them a new heart and take away those vices in them. No amount of nagging can change anyone, only God can. Be patient with one another and take everything to God in prayer.} 

5. _{Kindness: Romans 4:2 (NIV)}

_{“Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? ” There is no perfect human being on earth, all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. Despite our sins, God has not abandoned us neither has He given up on us. With God, there is always room for repentance and reconciliation. Ask yourself, have you created room in your heart for repentance and reconciliation with your spouse? Some women see separation from their spouse as a time to get even with their erring husbands, while some have vowed never to let their spouses back into their lives. From the standpoint of the Bible, these are all wrong mindsets orchestrated by the flesh and not the Holy Spirit. Having these mindsets will not allow the purpose of God to be fulfilled in your marriage or life.} 

_{God has been kind to you by continually forgiving your sins, why can’t you do same for your spouse? Forgiving your spouse may seem such an impossible task, yes I totally agree but that’s why we have the Holy Spirit, our Helper. Ask Him to fill you with the fruits of the spirit and to enable you show kindness towards your spouse.} 

6. _{Goodness: 2 Thessalonians 1:11 (NIV)}

_{“With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith”.}

_{Being good and desiring what is good is one of the fruits of the spirit. As the name implies, it simply means to be good. We know the qualities of a good person, we don’t need to list them out here. Naturally, a good person is a nice kind hearted fellow, always thinking good of others and does not desire evil to befall others. As a Christian who has been separated from your spouse, God expects you to keep being your good self. Don’t stop doing the good you’ve been known to be doing. Allow the Holy Spirit to flood your heart with beautiful ways of living a good and impactful life.} 

7. _{Faithfulness: 1 Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)}

_{“God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted above what you are able, but will with the temptation also make the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it”.} 

_{Some may wonder, what if I stay separated from my spouse for years, how possible is it for me to stay faithful to him? Well, it’s not an easy place for anyone to find herself and it’s definitely a trying time.} 

_{There are certain things that are humanly impossible for us to accomplish without the help of the Holy Spirit. He is the force that powers us to achieve the impossible. Staying faithful to your spouse no matter the duration of separation is tenable, but you must rely on the Holy Spirit to help you overcome the temptations that may arise.} 

_{Another question that may come up at a time like this is, why should I stay faithful while my husband cheats on me? First and foremost, your body is not yours. It belongs to God. You are to please God with it and not man. Your primary role here on earth is to obey God and do His will and the bible has made us to understand that having intimate relationship with anyone other than your spouse is a sin. My question to you is this, will you obey God and keep yourself pure or will you emulate your spouse and sin against God?} 

8. _{Gentleness: Matthew 11:29 (NIV)}

_{“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls”. Jesus Christ encourages us to be like Him, to live the kind of life He lived here on earth. He was gentle, kind and compassionate. These attributes should be found in us Christians too. We cannot say we are followers of Jesus, yet we live a lifestyle that chases people away from Christ. This bible verse tells us that when you are humble in heart, you will find rest for your soul. Being gentle doesn’t mean you are timid, it simply means that despite your strength and will power, you decide to stay humble/gentle so that the name of Jesus might be glorified. Perhaps, you have the power to pay back your spouse in his own coin but you choose not to, in order that Jesus be  glorified.} 

_{A gentle person is often more organised and coordinated; every Christian wife should ask the Holy Spirit for this fruit of the spirit as it will help you run your home more smoothly.} 

_{Being separated from your spouse doesn’t mean your home will not be restored. God is in the process of doing that and one of the things that will facilitate the speedy reconciliation with your spouse is to allow God to also work on you. When you reunite with your spouse, positive changes should be visible in you. Please don’t go back the same way you left, go back a better you, filled with the fruits of the spirit. This will enable you to overcome every temptation that may arise.}

9. _{Self-control: 2 Peter 1:5-7 (NIV)}

_{“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love”.}

_{Any person without self-control is an undisciplined person. To run a successful marriage, we need self-control and discipline. It takes self-control to overcome certain trials and temptations that come your way. There should be a boundary to what and who you allow in your home. Not everyone is welcomed in your home and certainly not every advice given should be taken. Some marriages have crashed simply because of bad advice from friends, colleagues etc. Set a standard for yourself and your home based on the leading of the Holy Spirit. Learn to use your time wisely and curtail time spent on frivolous things.} 

_{Learn to control your tongue, it is a tiny piece in our body but very destructive if not tamed and put under control.  Many have used their tongues to ruin their homes. Don’t let your emotions control you but the Holy Spirit. Have self-control over your spending habits. You are a helper in every ramifications, including his finances. Try to manage the home front properly to avoid wastage.}

_{Watch what you eat too. Let moderation be the key word. You need to stay healthy and finish well, so don’t let lack of self-control cost you your health and long life.} 

_{These fruits of the spirit should be cultivated during the period of separation and of course at any point in time in the life of a Christian. When you accept the period of separation as a time of trial through which God will work out perfection in you, then the less likely you will feel abandoned and dejected. God is all knowing and He is also the Impossibility Specialist who can turn even the most difficult and unpleasant situation around for our good. Always trust Him.} 

_{The End.}

_{maryaukpong@gmail.com} 

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